It’s not an easy position to be in.  Most women don’t plan on being the other woman, but the truth is that it happens.  Some women don’t even have a clue that they are the other woman.  Some ignore the signs.  It’s time to come out of denial ladies and realize what is going on.  Are you feeling confused, upset or horrible about your relationship?  If so, then you need to ask yourself some questions and use common sense.  Here are some tell tale signs that you are in fact the other woman.

1. His phone is turned off or on silent whenever he is with you.  If your man does not want to answer his cell phone when he’s with you, it’s definitely a sign that he is cheating.  He’s avoiding someone’s call for a reason.  Also, if he’s very short with every call he receives on his cell phone, such as “Let me call you right back” or “I can’t talk right now”, this is definitely another sign.
2. Spends less time with you.  You realize that he does not have time to spend with you.  You two have suddenly gone from spending time 2 or 3 times a week to maybe once a week if you’re lucky. 
3. Holidays are not spent together.  Each holiday; Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day he always has an excuse as to why you two can’t spend time together.  Either he has to work overtime or he’s going out of town.  Whatever the case is, this is definitely a big sign that he is spending time with someone else. 
4. Short Tempered due to Guilt.  Have you noticed that lately he has been snappy, and short tempered?  He’s been getting a way with cheating, so why should he be short tempered you ask?  Well, it’s because it’s starting to take a toll on him, and if he has any type of a conscious, then he might feel a sense of remorse and it’s becoming too much (Remember, it’s hard work being a cheater and keeping up with your lies…but the truth will always come out), but he will likely take it out on everyone around him, including you.
5. You’ve never been to his house.  You don’t even have a clue as to what side of town he lives on.  This is an easy one, and quite frankly it shouldn’t even be on the list because this one is just plain common sense.  A man will never tell the other woman where he lives.  He does not want to risk the chance of surprise visits. 
6. His friends and family have never met you.  Come on ladies.  If you’ve been dating this guy for over a few months, and you have never met any of his family or friends, chances are he is hiding you, and you are definitely the other woman.
7. He never takes you out to a public place.  Are you tired of ordering take out food and watching movies at your place, not his, remember you don’t know where he lives.  He does not want to take you to that new restaurant that just opened downtown because he does not want to risk running into anyone he knows or anyone who knows his wife or significant other.  If he does take you out, pay attention to the location.  It may likely be somewhere dark like a late night movie theater or he may take you to a far location.  Don’t fall for it.  You may think he’s being so romantic by taking you on an hour long ride for a picnic…chances are he just doesn’t want to run into anyone he knows or more importantly, his wife or girlfriend.

We’ve learned what the tell tale signs are that you are other woman.  Now it’s time to decide whether or not you’re going to move on or deal with it.  You should never compromise your self respect just to be in a relationship.  It’s not a good idea to settle or share a man.  By moving on, you realize that you deserve to be in a relationship with a man who will treat you right and be faithful to you. 

I am totally baffled as to why women continue to stay in a relationship with a cheating man. Terrance Pratt, M.A. of Proclivity Consulting Group, Inc. located on the South Side of Chicago, Illinois says, “In my experience from working with couples in therapy, women stay for many reasons.  Some women stay because they know that they have been disloyal themselves, and usually both partners (if they're honest) will agree that neither of them had invested their all in the relationship.  Some women feel compelled to stay because of the comfort level of being with a particular guy, even if they know they're being mistreated.  In this case, they are insecure and unsure of how they could manage on their own.  They might have children, bills, and other responsibilities that they are not confident that they can handle by themselves. (This is probably the biggest reason)  Even still, some women have poor self-esteem and have a difficult time realizing that they truly deserve better. This type of woman is likely to make excuses for their partner's behavior.” 

I asked Pratt why men continue to cheat on their wives or girlfriends after being forgiven.  “Oftentimes, even after being forgiven by a woman, the underlying problems in the relationship remain.  For men, cheating seems to be more ego related.  There is a certain level of self-discipline that "some" men lack when it comes to being monogamous. I hear men complain that once a relationship becomes serious, women become less sexually active in the relationship. A man might not feel that his mate has the same level attraction to him and/or the relationship becomes boring and monotonous.  Then, a lady at work or at a social gathering will show the man some of the attention that he feels he's missing at home (in other words, she's filling the void), and he'll indulge outside of his relationship.  Pratt says “the key to minimizing the possibility of cheating is having frequent, honest and open communication.  A partner should be able to openly discuss their satisfaction with their mate and exactly what they need to be fulfilled.  If they disagree on something, a compromise or negotiation should be reached.  Each partner's goal should be to work together to satisfy one another ... and not just in a sexual sense.  Some men and women cheat without having intercourse.  They have conversations and so on that fulfill them in a way that their mate should be fulfilling them.” 

In the end, ladies should first love themselves and build positive self esteem.  Rather or not a man cheats because of something he is lacking at home from his significant other, it doesn’t give him the right to cheat, and more importantly, women should definitely not use this as an excuse to remain the other woman.  Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  It is imperative that in relationships we are cautious of how things are realistically.  It is not good to compromise your own dignity just to stay in a relationship.  If some of the Tell Tale Signs are signs you have ignored, you may want to determine whether or not you are willing to sacrifice your own worth, because in the end you are definitely deserving of a man who will put you first.

Terrance Pratt, Psychotherapist in Chicago's Hyde Park area.  Proclivity Consulting Group, Inc provides life coaching, image, and media consulting.  Pratt has a Master's Degree in Clinical/Community Psychology from DePaul University.  Pratt  is currently enrolled in the doctoral program in Clinical/Community Psychology.